What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 00:10
And who doesn’t know suffering?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
So whats the point in blame.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
What is the best/cute/funny/playful chat/conversation between brother and sister?
He knew the spot.
My life is so biszare .
She was in good health!
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They are buried together, in the same grave..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Are INFJs essentially the most introverted type?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
We all went to grammer schools
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I don,t even have a pension.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
What do you think hell is like?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
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Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
This is soul school!.
Im still living with it.
Put me off passion for life!!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Have you ever regretted not hitting on a older women?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I have no regrets .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
As i do to all so called friends.?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
It was going to be , some day.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I will be 64.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Comes on , in middle age.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I write beautiful poetry .
What did i know ?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She loved him until the end.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I was scared of men, in general
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Would this be the day?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
When she asked me how she looked .
Was to survive, this bastard.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She married twice! .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I was seconnd youngest,
She wouldn,t have been !
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But, we were locked up after school.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I could never make a relationship work though!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My family never makes their pension either.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Ive learnt so much.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She found it foreign!.
And i lived it daily.
I waited trembling.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Especially a lifetime of it.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
One cannot live in the past .
Why did i forgive my father ?
So, i spoilt her more .
But it wasn’t much.
All the time i was locked up.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
We were not on the streets..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I think the readers, may guess!
But ive been too sick for many years..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I was very sick at this time too.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I was 9 years of age.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I said to her
He resisted the act ,that day.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Who then, do I blame.?